The Porn Complex

Porn can be a go-to for millions of men, but what happens when the subconscious mind starts to believe that the fantasy we are watching on our smart phones, laptops and television sets is reality?

Now, just think about it. Porn creates a world that includes a landscape of little to no communication, dependable erections and easy access to sex that involves not much effort. Basically, two (or more) men meet, touch, kiss, take turn sucking, then one or (more) gets fucked and then the cum shot. A beginning, a middle and an ending. Nothing wrong with any of this. If you are just enjoying the fantasy aspect of it.

However, I see men who come to me for somatic coaching that have embodied this formula, The Porn Complex. There is no time for erection difficulties, much less asking for what one needs. There is pressure to have an orgasm with one another and even times when a man has to choose a role for sexual pleasure! Several men I have worked with have mentioned they want connection with another man, but they have no clue how to actually ask for it.

For example, I see many men who have erectile difficulties that come to see me at my practice. There is this shame filled feeling that arises when a man can't perform sexually. It creates a disconnection that leaves a man in a fight-or-flight state -- a state of sexual confusion. Let me explain further. The Porn Complex is basically this: Men who end up truly incorporating porn into their subconscious mind as truth will reenact this in their reality. I see it all the time. I have men that come to me because they are having issues keeping a hard on with a partner, yet have no issue with getting an erection while alone or watching porn. Somewhere along the way, the formula has gotten in the way of being present while engaging with sex with another person. Actually, it is not even mandatory to have an erection while having sex, but porn tells us it is! Therefore, it creates a hoop that many men have to jump through when engaging in sexual activity.

Okay, as I mentioned earlier, there is nothing at all wrong with watching porn. I love it, and I believe that is is something that should be included in a healthy sex life. It can be used to wake up the senses, spice up the bedroom or just rub one out in an airport terminal. What I am discussing here is something deeper, how porn becomes a role model in many ways. It's similar to seeing fashion model on a runway or a beautiful actor, the standards of beauty have been set so high that they are unrealistic. This can make us feel that we are somehow wrong if we don't look like them. Porn can make men feel this way. The formula that happens from scene to scene has become the model of how we are supposed to engage in sex, any other way and we are doing it wrong.

This toxic role modeling of how to have sex through porn starts at an early age, men see it and emulate it. The fantasy becomes real, we envision ourselves in the scene, therefore when we are actually having sex with someone (God forbid it be someone we actually are in a relationship with!), we begin to check out or just base our reality on fantasy.

How do you get in touch with your reality? Well, first off it is so important to be gentle with the body, understanding and appreciating your limitations and participating in ways to give yourself permission to have physical awareness of your body. Many of us stay in our heads and get cerebral with sex and sexuality instead of actually being present. One way to engage with the body but still feeling sexy would be to identify what it is that you need. Most of the time men don't even know what they need, since the porn formula has been such a role model. So, being mindful of what you want in the moment, can be very liberating.

The Porn Complex will always be around so long as porn is around. If you feel like you want to be present while engaging with sex, maybe create your own formula of mindfulness and conscientiousness of the body and senses. And it is important to remember that fantasy is okay, but when you need to be present, sometimes reality can be hotter!!

Want to know more about the Porn Complex?

Check out my website at: Metamorphic Embodiment

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