Sex and Sobriety: Keeping it Simple for gay men!
It is not easy for a gay man to get into recovery, it includes hitting rock bottom which may mean losing a job, friends, family, getting arrested or even ending up visiting the emergency room.
Whatever the scenario is, there is nothing as distressing to a gay man than having sex without the haze of drugs or alcohol.
Recently, I have worked with two different men, one of them, who I will name J.B, was in his first year of recovery, he was a bar drinker and pretty much had no memory of having sex without being intoxicated.
Several years into his drinking binge, he found crystal meth. He told me that his life was about getting high and looking for sex, at first J.B said it was fun, lots of uninhibited romps all over town, then it turned horrific. Having sex with men he would never have sex with, spending hours cruising online and at the bookstores. His life became unmanageable. Since then, he has gotten sober and pretty much put sex in the closet, which was good for a little while, but now it has become a noose around his neck. He says he feels sexual, but is terrified to even approach it sober, he feels uncomfortable with his personal appearance and feels like sex may be too awkward and boring. Not to mention all the horror stories he hears from men who have "slipped" from recovery by going out and looking for sex.
So, J.B ended up making an appointment with me, our initial conversation was about looking for a way to feel comfortable in his body so he can feel sexual. At his first session, we did a lot of exercises around body image, boundaries and J.B. figuring out what he considered pleasurable. As a Somatic Sex Coach it's so important to get people to understand what they need, some people are not even aware of what they consider pleasurable. Its important to practice doing this in a safe environment.
I gleefully call my studio space my laboratory, its a place for exploration. J.B had the opportunity to ask for what he wanted and feel all the feelings of being present with receiving touch and feeling sexual sober.
Then there is Ned, a gay man in his 40's that has been sober for several years, but avoided sex because after he got sober he started to use food as source of comfort and became overweight. His appearance became a way to keep himself from keeping men away. After seeking outside help, his therapist recommended me. Ted came in terrified that he had to get naked in front of me, I told him he doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want to at my studio.
Ned and I ended up practicing embodiment exercises (where he was fully dressed) and he got to talk about the parts of his body he finds attractive and would enjoyed to be touched. We also began to work on Ned's voice, his ability to ask for how he would like to be touched, we repeated that many times so he could start feeling it!
Ned has slowly been improving with his body image and his desire to get back into being sexual with other men. So, as they say in the "rooms" of recovery, its "slowbriety", its important to practice on a daily basis on how we choose to receive, ask and take in regards to our bodies and pleasure!
Here is a checklist for men who are newly sober or been sober for a while who are having a difficult time with sex.
1. Therapy, to be able to focus on other issues (like sex!)
2. Find a Sex Coach, Sexological Bodywork or Sex & Intimacy Facilitator.
3. Go to sensual workshops (cuddle parties, touch workshops, mens groups)
4. Get a supportive sex positive pod of people that you share with.
5. Practice. Find someone (Sex coach, friend or partner) to explore with.
6. Be Gentle with yourself!
Sober and sexual but fear has gotten you down? Let me know how I can be of service.
JoJo Bear at www.metamorphicembodiment.com