Is there a sex life after prostate cancer?
There is never a good time when a man is told he has prostate cancer, every single fear emerges, especially the anxiety of the loss of one's manhood.
Here is some information taken from the CDC website.
What is the prostate?
The prostate is a part of the male reproductive system, which includes the penis, prostate, and testicles. The prostate is located just below the bladder and in front of the rectum. It is about the size of a walnut and surrounds the urethra (the tube that empties urine from the bladder). It produces fluid that makes up a part of semen.
What is prostate cancer?
Cancer is a disease in which cells in the body grow out of control. When cancer starts in the prostate, it is called prostate cancer. Except for skin cancer, prostate cancer is the most common cancer in American men.
In the past year I have had the opportunity to work with three different men in my somatic sex coaching practice that have all had prostate cancer. All of them have had a different outlook on their sexual life afterwards.
Let's start with Leif, he is a 70 year old man who was diagnosed with prostate cancer 3 years ago, the doctor caught it before it spread, the treatment was distributing radiation seeds into the prostate gland. The healing process after was difficult physically for Leif for a bit of time, however, it was his sexual life that he was distressed over. He noticed that his penis was in a debilitated state. Luckily his doctor provided him with a positive outlook. He began touching himself and engaging the area. He still had his uncertainty. Was his sex life over he questioned to himself. It wasn't until he went to a support group for men with cancer when the men told him that your sex life is far from over!
You see men do not need to even have an erection to get a orgasm. There are different nerves that control orgasm and erections. So when prostate cancer damages or destroys the erection nerves, the orgasm nerve remains intact. The penis will not ejaculate sperm, although the testes are still producing them, they are just reabsorbed to the body. Some men can have erections as well, it can get hard for shorter periods of time.
So, because the prostate cancer does not destroy the orgasm nerve there is the opportunity to have internal orgasms which do not produce ejaculate but feels remarkable in the body.
Sam, a 55 year old had his prostate removed and during his recovery period it took him a long time to come to the terms with the fact that his penis was not working as usual. He always prided himself of his lengthy cock and was a top when he had sex and the idea of not being able to perform as he did sent in him a depressed state. He felt broken and unable to even considering having sex with another man. He made an appointment with me and showed up in pure distress. He mentioned that he tried pills to get erections but they made him dizzy and uncomfortable. Sam wanted some resolution. We worked on his relationship with his penis and how it was attached to his self-esteem for so long, through exercises around touch and exploration he began to notice that not only the trauma of having cancer but how it affected his manhood. We began to create new ways to discover other parts of his body can feel pleasure. We used a method of Sam asking for the way he wanted to be touched, he was stunned because at 55 years old he never had been asked that question. This mindful practice of delving into the body and listening to it to provide you information on how it needs to be touched for pleasure allowed Sam to create new pathways to become aroused. His sex life started to change, he realized he did have options.
William, a 49 year old soft spoken man was in a pretty low state when he came to me, he was convinced his boyfriend left him because of the inability to get a hard erection. They had been together for 3 years and the boyfriend stood by him during the cancer and treatment. The year following being cancer free William did not feel sexual at all and when he did he was feeling inadequate with his performance, he did not want to be touched and it took a toll on his relationship. His boyfriend called it quits and William shut down sexually and physically. I had been the first person in several years that had touched him (other than his doctor). We started slow, we practiced a version of "bossy massage", where William directed me to touch him the way he asked and nothing else, I touched him for 5-10 seconds and then stopped, I would wait until he directed me again to touch him. It was difficult for him, constantly wanting my approval or me to act independently. I stuck to the "bossy massage" and eventually William started to become straightforward with his desires of how he wanted to be touched. Eventually in a another session we finally got to touch to his genitals. He asked for really soft touch and then just to place my palm gently on his penis. As I stood there he became emotional and started to sob. Later in the session, he mentioned that he cried because he started to feel sensations in the penis, it was not as numb as it was previously.
Getting back to Leif, his recovery was his willingness to remain open to touch. He began working with masseurs and attending men's massage groups. He is eager to explore his sexuality with his partner and other men. His exploration with his cock led him to test out ways to touch and handle it that is pleasurable for him, he also came to appreciate his internal orgasms. He mentioned, "They feel great and do not leave a mess!"
William regained sensation in his penis and has also come to a place where is he has had plenty of internal orgasms and one time in my presence during a session.
Sam mentioned to me the other day that his insight was that he never allowed himself to use any other part of his body except his cock for sex, now he appreciates the fact that he can utilize his whole body for pleasure. "I can't believe it took me to get cancer to understand that I can use my whole body to be sexual, not just my dick!" he said.
Sex may be different after prostate cancer but it is definitely not over. Be willing to explore your possibilities. Get some help in the form of sexual therapy (Somatic Coaching, Sexological bodyworker, Tantric practioner), find a massage therapist or massage group you can allow yourself to be touched on a regular basis, make sure you have a supportive pod of people around you that you can discuss issues of sex and your body with. It is important to know that even if the penis is not working like you were when you were 23, you still have a body and there is plenty of sensations that you can explore.
Want more information about life after prostate cancer?
Check out JoJo Bear at www.metamorphicembodiment.com