Thinking of opening your relationship sexually? You are probably too late!

Several years ago, a mentor of mine told me a great story about being transparent from the beginning of any relationship. John wasn't your typical gym buck who lived in West Hollywood, CA. He was tall, fem, a little pudgy and in his late 40's at the time, but smart as whip, wise and compassionate. He was up late one night cruising online, and connected with a man that was totally his type -- a hot, younger, buff dude who was into dominant "daddy bear" types. It was late, and he was horny, so he decided to play the role. The sexual banter went back and forth, with John really playing up the role that he was this "macho master".

The young stud showed up at John's front door and they ended up having sex. John kept up his portrayal, giving everything this fellow desired. After the romp, the kid was hooked. He wanted to see John again, which was great, but would he have to act the part of something he wasn't? You bet he did! Several more times, John went into the character to perform a role that, although may have been hot for one night, wasn't really his truth. Finally, after several times of the charade, and a couple of moments to reflect that he had begun to have feelings for this man, John decided to reveal the truth. Turns out the guy decided that he couldn't handle that John was this queeny, bookish type who really didn't want to be in the master top role, so he split; John had to lick his wounds. But, he learned a pretty profound lesson: be transparent from the beginning.

So, what does this have to do with open relationships? Well, plenty. Many gay men want to eventually find a partner, some don't; what I am writing about here are the ones who do. Sometimes we meet a man while we are single and he fills all the boxes of what we are attracted to. If there is chemistry, then there will be a connection. Although I have noticed something that exists in my own personal journey and for the men that I work with: the honeymoon period -- that stretch of time where everything is magnificent. It is the duration where endorphins are elevated, phone calls are longer and the desire to be around this person is paramount. It's also the period of time where some will overlook the "red flags". That duration of time where someone is most likely to not tell their truth -- perhaps it is a lie of omission or possibly it is just lustful thinking that has clouded one's reality.

Yeah, conceivably you didn't tell this man your truth. What I mean is that if one has thoroughly explored his own personal values and needs, then he could determine whether or not monogamy is for him. I am talking about really being ready and committed to being sexual with just one person. ​Before you get all worked up, let me explain. I am not talking about being polyamorous (I'll save that for another article).

As men, especially as gay men, we are very sexual in nature. Sex is about exploring and experiencing. In many relationships between two men, there comes a time when sex takes a back seat; this might happen as soon as the end of the honeymoon period. These relationships reach a point when sex with the same person becomes redundant and the sexual sparkle is absent. When both men (or maybe just one of them) are determined to be monogamous, but sex is not happening between the two, things can become very uncomfortable. It can be frustrating and even end up with the two resenting each other or splitting up, even though they may have bought a home together or gotten married! At that point, they may be willing to try something new to fix things or decide to open up the relationship -- but it may be too late!

Now, remember gentlemen, this is only my opinion based on information I have been through personally, and have seen in others around me. But let's get back to my West Hollywood friend John. His story was about not being transparent with someone because he was so enamored that he made a decision to not be authentic to his true self. Yes, he may have done it because he wanted to get laid. But it isn't any different than meeting a guy who you will eventually fall for, you really don't know each other at first. Even if you are a Facebook stalker, you can't get all the emotional information. So, all I am putting out there is that in order to be in a relationship with another person, you have to be transparent. If you are a man who likes having sex with many men and have done that for most of your adult life, you don't magically change once you meet Mr. Right. That is a fable. Plus, that is giving another human being too much power, it's a big expectation to put on someone's shoulders.

Open relationships are about work; especially working on oneself way before a relationship is created. I remember doing a relationship inventory with one of my mentors after I had yet another botched romance with someone who lied better than I did. He said he was monogamous, so I went along with his plan and I found out he wasn't. So, I retaliated and fooled around behind his back. Jealousy, insecurity and a lot of arguing happened. I made a list of all my "romantic" relationships, added the names, what I resented in the relationship (was usually the other person's actions) and then what was my part in it!

Yes, I had to review my part in the relationship, I was really thorough. I observed that I had been painting such a pretty picture of myself and given myself what I call the "resume factor". I only ever told the guys who I was with the stuff I wanted them to know, and that typically made me appear to be a saint or a victim. This is similar to writing a resume where not everything is 100% factual. After doing the relationship inventory and seeing my part, it was gut-wrenching! I was not a victim, I was just incapable of asking for what I needed. And what I needed was the freedom to let my partners know that even though I was interested in him and I want to date, I prefer an open sexual relationship from the beginning; and maybe I couldn't necessarily be committed to just having sex with one person.

You see, when there is some clear clarification of what you really need, then you can work from there. It is necessary to create boundaries around open relationships, which will be different for every relationship. It also allows you to have personal freedom to be able to express yourself. What is really ironic is that many men who get into open relationships from the beginning, tend to end up not even having as much sex in general because it is "allowed". Men who are in "monogamous" relationships, and end up cheating, can feel a great deal of shame and create a spiral of not telling the truth to your partner or even yourself.

So, are considering getting into a relationship? Speak your truth or forever hold your peace! If you are in relationship that is going to open up, do some homework on yourself. Maybe engage in a relationship inventory or a personal wish list. You may reveal more about yourself and find your truth!

Want more information about open relationships?

Contact JoJo Bear at www.metamorphicembodiment.com

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