How to deal with that inappropriate man at a workshop?"

Picture this:, you have decided to do something offbeat, like attend an all male cuddle party (puppy pile). This is something that you probably want more of in your life, some non-sexual touch and physical connection with other men. Not your typical Saturday night, but you decide to leap into the unknown, book your space and go.

Nervousness creeps into every part of your body as you go into a room filled with a crowd of men, who appear confident and recognize each other. All you feel is gawky and bashful. The friendly facilitator for the evening gathers everyone around and gives the rules of the night. Very specific rules: this is about feeling sensual not necessarily being sexual. He mentions that it is important to be responsible for your body. If a man wants to cuddle, it is completely fine to say "Yes" or "No". This is not a sexual event or a nude one, so it is suggested to keep clothing on. Sounds simple, right?

As the evening progresses, the group of 20 men lay down and spoon and hug in a million different positions on a cushioned floor. Feeling pleasant connecting with other men as you cuddle, you notice that a new man has just entered your nuzzle zone. He stares at you, smiles, you smile back and then he is suddenly grabbing your cock. Yikes! It shocks you out of that serene moment you were just having. He moves in closer and grinds his body on you. "Did I miss something?" you ask yourself. You begin to notice that he is trying to get his hands down your pants, your body starts to freeze. This is not what you thought you signed up for when you registered for this workshop. "Is this what happens at all gay workshops?”, you think to yourself.

As a man who not only facilitates workshops that can be provocative (touch, massage, nude), I attend plenty of them as well. I have been on both sides of this scenario. I have been the one who has to deal with the lascivious man who wanted nothing more than sex, and have been in the position of holding space for a room of men in all stages of emotional and sexual evolution, where I have encountered men being really inappropriate. It brings up a lot of shit!

So, what to do when you are confronted with that unbecoming man at a workshop? For starters, listen to your body, it typically has the answer for you. However, it may be tricky, so I invite you to listen closely. Sometimes, in a situation like the one in the puppy pile, you may actually become aroused, which is confusing. If someone is touching your genitals, that may cause a feeling of stimulation. However, your emotional self may be thinking something completely different. It is probably telling you about consent. That reaction is reminding you that you did not ask for that touch. It could go either way here: you may grin and bear it, let someone literally molest you and just retreat in your head the whole time, thinking of ways to withdraw from the situation; or you can simply say "I did not give you permission to do that!" to the man in front of you. Many times, intimate or instruction based workshops (massage techniques, tantra, cuddle parties, etc.) can attract people who don't embody the skills to understand that consent is imperative! They may be oblivious of their actions and agendas.

What do you do? First, off be clear to what is comfortable for you. If you are a man who doesn't mind getting his cock touched without consent, then this may be acceptable for you. If you are a man who is vigilant about your body, you may consider really taking a moment to scan your physical presence and decide what feels enjoyable to you and what feels uncertain. If you do not like your hand being held, can you verbalize that and ask for something else? Maybe you enjoy your elbow being touched. The point is that you have many options, including this one: “I don't want to be touched!”. Yeah, you have that option too, even at a massage workshop! You are keeper of your body and get to decide how you want it treated.

As a workshop facilitator one of my main objectives is to create a refuge of safety in everything I offer. I make an effort to be clear about boundaries and consent, especially when it is a sexually charged workshop, like a rosebud or cock massage. However, the lines get blurred for men who come with only one objective: to get laid or to have an orgasm. I have to go into theatre manager mode from the get go and set the stage. Here are the commandments I try to deliver forward:

1. Take care of yourself (if you have to shift positions, get up, pee, not hold hands).

2. Practice saying "No", "Yes" and "Maybe".

3. You can change your mind at any time.

4. Listen to your body (just because it feels good outside, it may not feel comfortable inside!).

5. Ask for what you need.

6. Be mindful of how you are touching someone, did they agree to that touch?

As a facilitator I want people to embrace their choices so they can have a fun and marvelous experience.

That said, I have had some opportunities to encounter that man with an agenda. I have always had a good skill of observation, so there comes that moment when I scan out at all the attendees and I can visibly notice if someone is in a uncomfortable situation. I recently saw a man who was looking very uncomfortable and unable to verbalize it to his partner during an touch exercise. The man was being overly sexual with him in a not-so-sexual workshop. I decided this is my opportunity move over to the couple without disturbing the other attendees. I sat next to them and quietly asked “Is everything okay?”. The man who was feeling anxious, literally jumped away from the twosome. I looked in his eyes and he gave me that look, that not-so-unfamiliar look I have had several times in my life. The other man was definitely aroused and unaware of any misbehavior, so I asked for permission to jump in and participate with the libidinous man. The anxious attendee said “yes” right away and mentioned he had to go to the bathroom. I immediately asked him if he wanted to leave, he nodded his head "no", so a part of me said that he needed space, a moment to breathe. I found out later that was the case.

So, I sat with the “randy” man, stared right in his eyes and smiled at him. I asked him lovingly if he can remind me what was the objective of the touch exercise that we were supposed to be engaging in. He said, "We were supposed to touch the other person the way they wanted to be touched!" I gave him a request, to ask me how I wanted to be touched. When he did, I told him “I do not want to be touched, I just want to sit with you and stare in your eyes.”. He actually started to tear up. We only had about a minute of staring, but something visceral occurred -- his objective changed. He had clear information as to what I wanted, even if it felt uncomfortable to him. He has become one of the men I work with one on one; we are curre

ntly working on some of his story around consent and sexuality. Consent was something he never learned because his education of sex was anonymous and very aggressive, it was primarily “dick-focused” and transactional.

As for the man who shut down and couldn't ask for what he needed (which was: "No, that is not how I asked to be touched!"), we had a deep conversation after the workshop. As a facilitator, I sometimes find myself wanting to run into emotional triage mode and attempt to rescue someone, but I waited to the end of the event. Since he didn't immediately run for the door, we had a short conversation in which he mentioned that he felt an inability to speak up. I inquired about the sensations he was feeling at the time. He was puzzled, he had never been asked that question, confusing “sensations” with “feelings”. I said "Yes, sensations. You know like, warm, cold, fuzzy, numb, shaky, fluttery, wobbly and so on!". I instructed him to be mindful of sensations when situations like that happen. If you see a pattern of those sensations in your body, then maybe your body is trying to tell you something, and perhaps, that something is “You need to ask for what you need!”; and what you need, might just be, to offer a big serving of "NO!"

Now, rewind that puppy pile back to over 12 years ago, and that man who was getting his cock grabbed by another man was me. I had no idea that I had the option to even speak up! Especially when something was stimulating me on the outside, but I felt awkward on the inside. It has taken me awhile to learn this new behavior of asking for what I need, and not having shame around appearing selfish or demanding.

Nowadays, I look at the behavior of nurturing oneself, as sexy.

Want more information about consent, boundaries or asking for what you need?

Check out JoJo Bear at

www.metamorphicembodiment.com

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